Funerals
General Guidance on Planning A Funeral
By Revd Paul Eddy, Vicar
Introduction
Planning a Funeral for a loved one can be a difficult balance between carrying out any ‘wishes’ the deceased made known about his/her funeral, and providing a service which is meaningful for those who grieve.
None of us live totally ‘independent’ lives: we live within a community/communities and as such, it is important that those amongst whom we have lived our lives are given an opportunity to grieve and say goodbye.
The introduction to the Funeral Service clearly states the purpose of a Christian funeral. The Minister says : “We have come here today to :
- Remember before God our brother/sister N;
- To give thanks for his/her life;
- To commend him/her to God, our merciful redeemer and judge;
- To commit his/her body to be buried/cremated;
- And to comfort one another in our grief”
There is a natural ‘flow’ to a funeral service which helps in the bereavement process. There is firstly a community, and private ‘acknowledgement and acceptance’ that the person has died, followed by ‘reflection and thanksgiving for his/her life amongst us’. Then a Bible reading and a brief address (talking of the Christian Hope offered in Jesus Christ), followed by prayers for those who mourn. Finally, there is a personal and corporate ‘letting go’ of the deceased, and giving him/her back to God. Hymns and other contributions supplement this process.
Church/Crematorium/Memorial Services
Whether or not the deceased (or their family) were church-goers, everyone is welcome to have a Christian funeral in the parish church.
There are a number of options available to families which may help given particular needs:-
• Funeral in church – followed by burial/cremation
• Funeral at Crematorium – followed by the Burial of Ashes
• A Graveside Funeral
Cremation is a ‘preparation of the body’ for Burial, and the Minister taking a cremation will be delighted to assist you with a short service where the Ashes are Interred, either in a churchyard or in a Council-maintained Cemetery.
Families will be advised by Funeral Directors as to the timings for services at the various Crematoria. It is worth remembering that for many, funeral services are a MAXIMUM of 40 minutes long. Many families find this gives a feeling of being ‘rushed’. Therefore, a service in church first, followed by a Committal at the Crematorium, or, a private committal at the Crematorium, followed by a Memorial or Thanksgiving Service in church sometime afterwards may be appropriate.
Memorial Services (or Thanksgivings) are normally held several weeks after the funeral (church or crematorium). It is well worth remembering that if the family decides to hold a Memorial Service, it is clearly stated in any announcement in the newspaper, and on the Order of Services, that the Memorial Service is ‘following the Funeral at ……. On …….’. Mourners can find it particularly difficult if they arrive at a church expecting to be able to say their goodbyes only to find the ‘funeral’ has already taken place.
The Minister or the Funeral Director will be happy to advise further.
Music
Music can help to ‘personalise’ a Funeral in a deep and meaningful way. It may be that the deceased has a favourite piece of music, or a genre of music, which could be played in one of several ways at the funeral.
- Arrival of Coffin: A quiet, reflective piece may be appropriate as the coffin is brought into the church/crematorium. The Minister will read out sentences from the Bible as this is done.
- Musical Tribute: As part of the ‘tribute’ section of the funeral, families may wish to choose a piece of music to play on CD which the congregation can listen to, enabling them to reflect on the life of those who have died.
- Solo: Some families will know of a family member/friend who might offer a solo (voice/instrument) to aid reflection.
- Departure of Coffin/end of service: A fitting piece of music, played live or via CD, may also be appropriate as the coffin leaves the church or as the congregation leave the chapel.
Music is one of God’s many gifts and can help us express our feelings in different and deeper ways to words alone. Great care must be taken however in selecting a piece of music. Sometimes a piece brings back happy memories of the deceased. Selecting it to be played at the funeral can, sometimes, change the ‘memory’ of that song for many years to come as loved ones remember the funeral at which is was played, more than the happy memories.
The Minister taking the service will be very pleased to talk through with you any possible music choices to ensure that they are :
- Appropriate for a Christian funeral
- Help to personalise the funeral
- Used in the best places within the funeral service.
Some Suggestions for Traditional Hymns at Funerals
It is normal for there to be two (sometimes three) hymns/songs during a Christian Funeral in church. Hymns/songs enable the whole congregation to feel involved in the funeral service, help express something of the Christian hope and comfort which God wants to offer those who grieve, and provide punctuation in the service from one stage to another.
There are literally hundreds of hymns to choose from and an internet search on ‘Funeral Hymns’ will give more suggestions that you will be able to choose from!
When choosing hymns it is important to try to reflect ones which the deceased may have liked, ones which are appropriate to be sung at a Funeral and all importantly, ones which the congregation will know or can easily pick up.
To listen to the hymn suggestions below, to access words of Poems below, and options for Bible readings, click on: The funeral service step-by-step | The Church of England
Abide with me All things bright and beautiful
Amazing grace Be still for the presence of the Lord
Dear Lord and Father For the beauty of the earth
Great is thy faithfulness The Lord is my shepherd
Jerusalem Lead us heavenly Father lead us
Lord of all hopefulness Lord of the dance
Love divine all loves excelling Make me a channel of Your peace
Old rugged cross The day thou gavest
The king of love my shepherd is The Old Rugged Cross
The Minister taking the funeral will be happy to advise further.
Poems/Readings – those below are popular, but many others are suitable
Crossing the bar If I should go
Bible Readings - please choose 1. Those below are popular and helpful
John 14:1-6, 27 Revelation 21:1-7
Tributes/Eulogy
There are many ways to reflect on the life of the person we gather to remember. Some families ask family/friends to send in stories/memories, then create a tribute in chronological order.
Others like to break the tribute section into factual information, eg. place of birth, schools, college/uni/jobs, marriage/children etc, then another person share memories and stories about their character, and maybe another share one or two personal reflections.
The most important aspect is that ‘the family’ are comfortable about what is shared and approve. It is vital that what is to be said is given them, and the Minister, in writing in good time ahead of the service. No ‘I’d just like to say a few words’ on the day! This also ensures there is no duplication/repetition in tribes and (important for a Crematorium) you do not run over time.
You will not know how you will feel, emotionally, on the day until the day itself. I recommend in any Order of Service, only putting ‘Tribute(s)’ and no names alongside. The congregation doesn’t need to know the name, but if a name is in an Order of Service, there will be huge pressure on that person to stand and deliver, whereas they may feel nervous, upset or, as is often the case, read too fast so that much of what has been carefully prepared is lost.
Research has shown that after 8-9 minutes of sharing personal information at a funeral, the information gets lost. Therefore shorter reflections are best, and can be interspersed with a piece of music to help or, as is common, following a tribute(s), we pause and listen to a nice piece of music to help us reflect on what has been shared.
The Minister will be more than happy to read a tribute(s) out on behalf of the family or, it may well be that someone else, a friend, or a member of the extended family would be able to help. The Minister will always be happy to help families compose a tribute(s) if they can send information in good time for drafting, checking, amending and agreement.
Funeral Tribute Overview
The Overview below is designed to help family members jot down ideas and information as they remember them, or as people telephone, email or text in stories. This will make composing a final tribute(s) a lot easier.
THE FUNERAL OF: ___________________________________
DATE: __________________________________
VENUE: ___________________________________
If you need help in compiling a Tribute, please complete and return these sheets to: Revd Paul Eddy, The Vicarage, 24 Church Green, Stanford in the Vale, Oxfordshire SN7 8HU. Tel: 01367 710267. Mob: 079523 653781 Email: [email protected]
BIOGRAPHICAL
Born (date/where):
Parents/brothers/sisters (still living?):
School/early childhood:
After school/college/university/jobs:
Marriage (how did they meet/where?):
Family/children:
Places moved around (where is ‘home?):
CHARACTER/INTERESTS
What sort of a person was he/she like (character/personality)
Hobbies/interests/clubs:
Special stories to illustrate his/her life:
Any faith/church background/values:
How would they like to be remembered?
What will you miss most?
Children and Funerals
As a trained Bereavement Counsellor, specialising in Children, I always encourage parents to bring children to funerals. Children generally handle death much better than adults as they are less complicated about it. It is very important to use clear words with children and say that ‘Nanny has died’, rather than ‘Nanny has gone away’. Death is a fact of life and yet, very many people get into their 30s or 40s and have never been to a funeral.
It is also very important to try to include children in the funeral as a means of saying ‘goodbye’ and letting go. I often encourage parents to help children write a letter to a close family relative who has died, expressing something of what they shall miss, but then drawing a picture of a happy time they had together. Such letters/pictures can be put in an envelope and either given to the Funeral Directors to put into the coffin on the morning of the funeral, or, the child can put it on top of the coffin when they arrive in church.
Writing such a letter can also be helpful for widows and widowers, or for anyone who feels there are things ‘unsaid’ and they wish to put matters to rest.
Conclusion
The information above is simply aimed to assist those bereaved faced with the task of organising a fitting funeral. The information is not exhaustive and there will, of course, be very many details related to any funeral than can be only be sorted out face to face with the Minister conduction the funeral. However, I hope the information will have been helpful at a time when it is often difficult to make decisions.
For more help on arranging a funeral, visit:
www.churchofenglandfunerals.org
Revd Paul A. Eddy, Vicar
The Vicarage, 24 Church Green, Stanford in the Vale SN7 8HU
31 March 2025